It's been awhile....

Actually quite a poignant title...I think the Staind song with the same title has a few lines that are more than appropriate at the moment...

It's been a while
Since I could...
Hold my head up high...

It's been a while
Since I could say
I love myself as well and...

It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do

I remember saying to my mum a few weeks into the diet that it was easy - I wasn't hungry and felt good.  And yet I still sabotaged the weight loss, started playing around, substituting meals and then unconsciously I guess, thinking one bite won't hurt.  Instead of making a healthy choice at dinner time if I was still hungry or didn't want a soup etc I'd pick on left overs...in fact left overs have become my worst enemy!  I can go all day fine and then dinner destroys all my good intentions.

For the couple of weeks I have vowed to myself to get back to 100% but then think....just one more meal/day...and then the vicious cycle of beating myself up....3 weeks of playing around means I am 3/4 stone off my target now and the wedding looms and the dress fits but not well....

So, I'm back to blogging as my support net.  I don't want to bore friends and family (DH seems rather indifferent to it all) with my long term struggles and don't want to be judged on the forum for doing a VLCD so here I am!!

Prepare for waffle!!

Something Scrummy for a Yummy Mummy

I finally finished my Travelling Woman shawl at the beginning of the week and (thank goodness!) my wonderful friend liked it so here's the pics.

Food

I have let myself down and this week am actually showing a weight gain.  I have just eaten left over pasta bake in a daze of self-hatred - not much, but any is too much.  I feel sick and annoyed at myself.  I have become complacent and thought I could adapt and cheat and instead have sabotaged my own goals.

So, I need to move on from this and start over - with a fresh slate and outlook.  My goal is too important to cheat and lie to myself.

Not much more to add really but I will finish with some pictures of my LO - eating no less LOL

Offline and Out of Touch

So we lost broadband...for over a week! Not the best when you run an online shop :S We have kind of bodged our way back online at the moment (cables...I ask ya!) but is better than nothing!!  The last week has been strange. I have enjoyed spending time with the kids without the lure of the net and the endless wasted hours on the 'puter. The house is was tidier and I even spent a gruelling day (resulting in bleeding hands that are only just healing) hacking down the jungle of a garden.

However, the time had left me feeling more isolated than ever. Along with an offhand comment which has made me doubt myself even more and makes me even more unsure of reposting in my old haunts. What possible use am I anyway? It's odd as at the end of last week - with a loss in 3 weeks of 24 lbs - I felt better than ever. Yet certain comments  keep running through my mind and making me doubt myself. I think I just feel forgotten. No one remembered my LO's 2nd birthday - again not important but still kind of hurts. No one seems to miss me when I am not online - which adds to my feeling's of not belonging.  Paranoia maybe, gawd knows I disappear enough when things get rough. I just feel useless. Am even doubting the shop as I now look at all the WAHM's selling similar when originally I was a unique concept and wonder why I bother?

Sigh!!